All England Club

Maria Sharapova reaches the Wimbledon final against the left-handed Kvitova.  The last lefty to appear in a Grand Slam final was Monica Seles in the 1998 French Open.  Left-handed tennis rackets are on sale all day.  In NBA news, the owners and players have a decision-making disorder and a lockout seems inevitable.  Check your local university gyms for NBA pickup games (shirts & skins) near you.  The Trailblazers offer Greg Oden 8.8 million dollar contract for his next season ending surgery.  The Funny Farm retires the jersey of the player formerly known as Ron Artest. 

Team U.S.A

U.S.A (women) soccer team starts their quest for a World Cup against North Korea.  The height disparity will make set pieces look like a mothers and daughters camp photo.  Moving forward.  Rafael Nadal’s foot (MRI) is not broken, but test conclude his wedgies after each point are getting worse.  Maria Sharapova is the only champion left in the women’s draw and the prettiest.  In boxing, Floyd Mayweather Jr. is being sued for sicking his bodyguards on a fan that asked the champ about a potential bout with Manny Pacquiao.  Mayweather’s bodyguards are undefeated.  College basketball – Lorenzo Charles, famous for the NC State tip in the National Championship in 83, dies in a bus crash.  The NBA lockout looms and the NFL lockout continues.

The Weekend In Sports

There was a crime in Pasadena over the weekend.  Mexico raped America in football (Soccer).  Landon Donovan refused to press charges.  My unemployment agent put me on hold this morning because he had Frank McCourt on the other line.  He forgot to sign his claim form.  Serena gets ousted at Wimbeldon because Venus wouldn't let her borrow her outfit.  Terrell Owens has surgery to repair his ACL he tore while trying to hang a picture of himself above his bed.  Kentucky gives John Calipari a contract extension.  He gets an extra million bucks if the NCAA vacates 40 more victories.  The owners in the NFL still haven’t made a deal with players.  Where is Vince McMahon’s XFL when you need it?  Some guy drove a car really fast and won a race somewhere in the United States.  If you’ve ever seen a corpse sit up in a morgue then you know what Pat Barry felt like when Cheick Kongo got up after being rocked to the canvas, twice.  Kongo went on to pummel Barry and win a startling UFC knockout.

Draft Fallout!

Derrick Williams, a bull with a jump shot, is the best player in 2011 draft and the Timberwolves chose him with the 2^nd overall pick.  Kyrie Irving goes to the Cavs (#1) because they have a shortage at the point guard position: Byron Davis, Daniel Gibson, Ramon Sessions.  Bismack Blyombo was drafted at number 7 before Brandon Knight of Kentucky.  Who the eff is Bismack Blyombo?  Word on the street is he couldn’t make a bucket if he was alone in the gym.  Jimmer Fredette gets traded from the Bucks to the Kings.  Polygamy is reinstituted in Sacramento, ticket sales spike mostly due to single women in their early twenties.  The Pacers refuse to draft a household name for the billionth time.  After picking Kemba Walker the Bobcats found a way to make their team worse by drafting a future assistant coach in Tobias Harris.  Then there are all the players that stayed 3+ years in college that didn’t get drafted like David Lightly, Kalin Lucas, Jamie Skeen, and Jacob Pullen.  What does that mean?  The NBA punishes you for staying in school.  Way to bend college basketball over a dirty toilet bowl.