On your mark...

After further examination, Usain Bolt’s false start over the weekend has been retracted; officials have stated that Usain Bolt beat the bullet out of the barrel on his way to another world title. Engineers are working day and night to design a better gun. In football news, Peyton Manning returns to practice. Coach Caldwell says Manning has been throwing, but he hasn’t been catching. Baby steps. Union leaders meet on Wednesday to discuss the future of the NBA. Derrick Rose flees overseas to avoid finishing his college degree in his spare time. College football returns this week. The BCS rankings have been adjusted to reflect the top programs with the least amount of scandals, which makes Princeton the number 1 team in the nation.

1st and 10

While Cyberdyne Systems continues to upgrade Peyton Manning, the Colts moved forward on signing Kerry Collins just in case Manning isn’t online by the start of the season. The Oakland Raiders revitalize their juvenile bootcamp by signing Terrelle Pryor, and the Redskins can’t find a quarterback above the 5th grade that is willing to play for the team. In NBA news, the league is as far away from a deal as the Republican party is on nominating a sane candidate, and Luke Walton (Lakers) joins the coaching staff of the Memphis Tigers (college basketball) while the league is on strike. The Tigers have more NBA talent on the coaching staff than on the team.

Great Weekend for American Sports and the Galaxy

Women’s USA Soccer team beat Brazil on penalty kicks to give America a dazzling victory. The major networks still refuse to televise games because sweating isn’t lady-like. After a placid first half the L.A. Galaxy put out the Chicago Fire. Landon Donovan’s head and David Beckham’s foot joined forces to give the Galaxy the win. In other news, the Obama Administration blames the spike in unemployment on the NFL & NBA lockouts. Pacman Jones gets arrested at bar for pretending to be a nice guy. Yao Ming retires from the NBA because China wants their experiment back. In Baseball, Roger Clemens trial resumes. He’s charged with six felonies for telling Congress he never used steroids and could face jail time, Mike Vick is out of jail for dog-fighting, and Casey Anthony is at the bar for a wet t-shirt contest after allegedly killing her daughter. God bless America.

Weekend of Fireworks

Wimbledon crowned two new singles champions this weekend (Petra Kvitova & Novak Djokovic) but the highlights were all Roger Federer.  In baseball news, all eyes were on the return of Derek Jeter who went 0-4 to cement his spot on the All-Star team.  In college football, Oregon University is under fire from the NCAA for recruiting violations.  The Ducks plead not guilty and the NCAA reloads their rifles.

All England Club

Maria Sharapova reaches the Wimbledon final against the left-handed Kvitova.  The last lefty to appear in a Grand Slam final was Monica Seles in the 1998 French Open.  Left-handed tennis rackets are on sale all day.  In NBA news, the owners and players have a decision-making disorder and a lockout seems inevitable.  Check your local university gyms for NBA pickup games (shirts & skins) near you.  The Trailblazers offer Greg Oden 8.8 million dollar contract for his next season ending surgery.  The Funny Farm retires the jersey of the player formerly known as Ron Artest. 

Team U.S.A

U.S.A (women) soccer team starts their quest for a World Cup against North Korea.  The height disparity will make set pieces look like a mothers and daughters camp photo.  Moving forward.  Rafael Nadal’s foot (MRI) is not broken, but test conclude his wedgies after each point are getting worse.  Maria Sharapova is the only champion left in the women’s draw and the prettiest.  In boxing, Floyd Mayweather Jr. is being sued for sicking his bodyguards on a fan that asked the champ about a potential bout with Manny Pacquiao.  Mayweather’s bodyguards are undefeated.  College basketball – Lorenzo Charles, famous for the NC State tip in the National Championship in 83, dies in a bus crash.  The NBA lockout looms and the NFL lockout continues.

The Weekend In Sports

There was a crime in Pasadena over the weekend.  Mexico raped America in football (Soccer).  Landon Donovan refused to press charges.  My unemployment agent put me on hold this morning because he had Frank McCourt on the other line.  He forgot to sign his claim form.  Serena gets ousted at Wimbeldon because Venus wouldn't let her borrow her outfit.  Terrell Owens has surgery to repair his ACL he tore while trying to hang a picture of himself above his bed.  Kentucky gives John Calipari a contract extension.  He gets an extra million bucks if the NCAA vacates 40 more victories.  The owners in the NFL still haven’t made a deal with players.  Where is Vince McMahon’s XFL when you need it?  Some guy drove a car really fast and won a race somewhere in the United States.  If you’ve ever seen a corpse sit up in a morgue then you know what Pat Barry felt like when Cheick Kongo got up after being rocked to the canvas, twice.  Kongo went on to pummel Barry and win a startling UFC knockout.

Draft Fallout!

Derrick Williams, a bull with a jump shot, is the best player in 2011 draft and the Timberwolves chose him with the 2^nd overall pick.  Kyrie Irving goes to the Cavs (#1) because they have a shortage at the point guard position: Byron Davis, Daniel Gibson, Ramon Sessions.  Bismack Blyombo was drafted at number 7 before Brandon Knight of Kentucky.  Who the eff is Bismack Blyombo?  Word on the street is he couldn’t make a bucket if he was alone in the gym.  Jimmer Fredette gets traded from the Bucks to the Kings.  Polygamy is reinstituted in Sacramento, ticket sales spike mostly due to single women in their early twenties.  The Pacers refuse to draft a household name for the billionth time.  After picking Kemba Walker the Bobcats found a way to make their team worse by drafting a future assistant coach in Tobias Harris.  Then there are all the players that stayed 3+ years in college that didn’t get drafted like David Lightly, Kalin Lucas, Jamie Skeen, and Jacob Pullen.  What does that mean?  The NBA punishes you for staying in school.  Way to bend college basketball over a dirty toilet bowl.